Kashmiri-Indian Standup Act
"The Braves Arise "
ARMAN: Hello everyone. My name is ARMAN, and this is my brother SHYAN, and we would like to talk to you about our culture.
SHYAN: Although we love our Kashmiri culture, there are a few things that strike as odd with us. The first being about the Shivratri day itself; what it is really about. I mean if you asked one person the significance of the day, they would say, “Oh it’s the day Shivji drank the Halahal and saved the world.”
ARMAN: But if you ask another person he will say it is the day that Shivji and Mata Parvati got married.
SHYAN: And if you ask a third person they will say that it is the day that Lord Shiva came down in the form of the Shivalingam. So uhh, do we have to choose?
ARMAN: No. Let us accept that Lord Shiva drank poison, which turned his throat blue, followed that by getting married and then came to bless this world that he has created for us?
SHYAN: Yeah, I guess. But how should we celebrate this?
ARMAN: Um, just don’t eat.
SHYAN: That’s all?
ARMAN: And pray, I would say. That’s usually what we do for almost any good thing ever. Don’t eat, just pray. Shouldn’t we feast on weddings to celebrate? No just fast and pray. That is why Indians have taken to celebrating Thanksgiving. You get to eat!
SHYAN: Oh, by the way, we have to fast tomorrow.
SHYAN: Because tomorrow is the day after this Shivratri celebration in Bedford. We fast for everything else, why not this?
ARMAN: Yea, we fast so often, we should just call the days we don’t fast as eating days. It would make things a lot simpler.
SHYAN: And Navarathara!; nine days, all together! That’s a little steep.
ARMAN: Let’s move on. Holi is a pretty crazy festival! Throwing color and water on each other?
SHYAN: Yeah, and when I tell people about it they always have the same response. “What’s so holy?”
ARMAN: It drives me berserk. They always think it is spelled H-O-L-Y. It actually is H-O-L-I! They always, I mean always, think we dump each other in holy water. They also think we can’t spell.
SHYAN: I wish people knew more about our culture.
ARMAN: Well, Celebrations are not the only things that make up a Kashmiri. We also have Indian needs…..What about those Indian serials we watch?
SHYAN: Yeah, I never understood the main purpose or thought of those.
ARMAN: First off, there are about twenty couples living in one household. The inconvenience of living with everyone you have ever known would drive me to a point of insanity.
SHYAN: Well, the writers of the scripts do not think that is enough. They are constantly adding new conflicts in the homes. And every bad act is replayed. The sound of a slap is replayed over, and over, and over again.
ARMAN: I think serials are judged on S.P.Es!
SHYAN: What are S.P.Es?
ARMAN: Slaps Per Episode; what else when it comes to serials?
SHYAN: If you miss one episode, you don’t understand any of the following ones because the characters are constantly holding grudges.
ARMAN: Also, nobody works!
SHYAN: Manav does.
ARMAN: Okay, except Manav. Out of about fifty people, three work. They must get a lot of money to pay for the rent, the food, the clothes, the furniture, and basically everything you need to live in something that is a mansion!
SHYAN: They all think they are different from each other just like we do. However, we never think about how we are the same.
ARMAN: Yeah, we all have that annoying feeling that we are forgetting something but we don’t know what until we are far away from the place.
SHYAN: We also get that tingling feeling in our nose just when our mouth is full. No one in a 302 foot radius remains unaffected by our sneeze.
ARMAN: We all have that short burst of shock halfway to our seat as we believe the chair should reach higher than it actually does. We are overcome that something is wrong with the world because our bum has not found its rest yet.
SHYAN: We all feel guilt as we try to smuggle the last cheese from the plate even though we have already eaten thirty.
ARMAN: Then you take off your shoes at the door of an Indian home. If you have a hole in your sock, over half the time, you are getting into awkward positions to cover the whole.
SHYAN: We all accidentally run into glass doors and pretend we were just checking things out. Good glass door you got there Maam!
ARMAN: We wait to let one person ahead so that we are not first in the food line, but before we know it, everybody is in the queue and we end up being the fiftieth. Only leftovers.
SHYAN: And lastly when we are in the bathroom we look around and when we do not find it we shout… “No paper. No paper. MOOOOOOM!!”
ARMAN: So enjoy our similarities everybody. Also be the first to the food line. Thank you all for listening to us. Have a great one!!
*Arman Koul is a 12 years old, 7th grade student from Andover, MA. He enjoys reading, music and sports, not necessarily in that order..
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